I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
