Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
