A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
pop tarts are not kleenex
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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