I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
