i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
