dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish i was in the wii world.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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