If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
