It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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