Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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