I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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