Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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