I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
