i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
