I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
