I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
