Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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