He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
