My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
