that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
