Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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