She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
home. puking in laundry basket.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
