Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
