Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
