apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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