My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
