I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
