he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
