My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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