so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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