Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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