i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
