my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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