Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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