No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
