Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
