I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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