I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There's always time for handjobs
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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