I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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