Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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