I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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