Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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