Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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