I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I didn't notice because vodka
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
