Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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