I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
