She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
