Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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