the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
