His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
