he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
