if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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